I ALWAYS START WITH SO OR WELL OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. SO TODAY I WILL SAY,, BEEN A WHILE

OH PROBLEY DONE THAT ONE TOO BEFORE,, OH WELL.. here it is over a week later and I post. Not much has happened in this time yet a few things that stick out in my mind are......

Fawn got sucked into a VERY UNSAFE COULD HAVE BEEN DEADLY THING... she flew to Chicago and I got her back thanks to the police there.... She THOUGHT she was gunna be a model... Then lets see,., Mikes house got broken into... that sucked cause Amanda had alot of stuff taken Christmas presents she had bought. Mike had 4 YES 4 he had bought more after I left I guess guns taken And the amo to go with them... not gunna say much about that. He had done something I had no clue he did STRANGE TO ME EVEN TO THINK OF IT,,, He I believe is not a well man,, but he had brought a little box to put HIS wedding ring in.. Makes this whole thing even MORE STRANGE to me,, the whole divorce thing,, ANYWAY,,, THAT was taken too. Sandy had a few ear rings stolen,,, Enough on THAT.. BUT CAN I JUST SAY,, Mike really looks like shit,, he has lost so much weight and looks very OLD! enough now...

I have become the only PEON at work ,, but that is ok with me,,, they have made a few almost everyone med techs BUT I AM NOT REALLY WANTING IT CAUSE I AM TOOOOOO OCD WITH A MED CART I would KILL anyone who messes up. So that is a good thing I am not in the cart. ALTHOUGH,, it puts me in a place where I have to do MOST OF THE WORK,, We have another lady in the process of dying,, ONE that was taken out because of lack of care on the second and thrid shift... she has come back and hanging in there... I have been on the same floor for the most part and I like it there,,, I get to joke around with the people because they are NOT so far into the Alzhiemers as the 3rd floor. Yesterday a girl I work with and I decorated all their doors for Christmas that was fun. We have a new nurse for our memory units and she is DUMB AS SHIT and the other lady who drives me NUTTS is her ASSISTANT yeah two peas in a pod for sure,,,, WE still call on the OTHER NURSE FOR HELP. That part of my job these days sucks cause I am having to learn how to deal with STUPID PEOPLE WHO HAVE CHARGE OVER ME!!! KINDA makes me think of going to school,, BUT then again I say WHY SHOULD I PUT MY HEAD INTO THAT MUCH STRESS..... I am old and I will just enjoy the people on my small level.. THAT way I can be where I enjoy it the most,, touching them on a personal level. I do often have a twinge of ,, I COULD DO DAYCARE AND STAY HOME,, but I toss that out real fast every time! I like my home being MY HOME.

MY LIFE here at home or just MY LIFE,, is good,, I am sailing through it,, I have company to spend it with,,, I do NOT need to see into the future anymore as LIFE changes way too fast. I do not look for the NEVER ENDING STORY because it just does not seem to matter. I no longer search for reason,,, I enjoy every day I have at hand to the fullest. IF I try and think of what life will be like WHEN,, I find myself getting lost in a BIG HOLE,, so I do not go there. sounds lost or bad but I find it COMFORTING,,, and less scary. I have my house I am starting to feel it fitting around me,,, I have my work and that fits me too. IF I think of my past it seems a blur and VERY CONFUSING to me,, so I do not go there either. I truly do not have or MAKE wishes or wants,,,,, there is no need. I realize my CHILDREN can NOT make me who I am and they have their own lives,,,, They no longer can give me my every breath to live. I see how they are growing and becoming their won persons,, they are all doing VERY WELL and I DO KNOW I put that in them and they now grow from that. THAT IS NICE. Christmas,,,, hhhhmmmmmm WELL I do NOT have that FEELING I once had,, not sure WHY but I will just take it one day at a time and get through it. I truly believe that I have become a person of COMFORT,, CONTENTMENT has become my word of thought. I now take life SLOW,,, my cats sometimes piss me off,, YET I could not think of them every leaving here. HEY I can talk to them and they don't' give me gruff. AND THEY SLEEP WITH ME AT NIGHT TOO well when they are not climbing on EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.... I still need to get them fixed,, Fawns kittie will be coming into heat soon and I DO NOT WANT BABIES!!!!! I WILL NOT BECOME THE CAT LADY. I LOVE MY CAR,, I have a new plate I had made for it,, it is the breast cancer awareness one and MY SPECIAL personalization is,,, "MYFRND". I laugh alot now and I guess if you analyze my life, you would say I AM HAPPY. I still have my VERY CLOSE GUY "FRIEND" who I spend time with everyday ALL DAY,, at work and at home,,, he goes HOME at night, and I want nothing MORE then that. He (and nobody else) will EVER BE MY WHOLE LIFE again. He is a faset of MY LIFE I enjoy having around. He is very good to me, watches out for me, and STILL MAKES ME LAUGH EVERYDAY,,

WOW maybe I could use this as my CHRISTMAS LETTER TO ALL ABOUT MY YEAR HUH..


OK ENOUGH OF ME,,, HOW ARE YOU IF there is still anyone around to read.. I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS and a very safe NEW YEAR,,

SO GUESS WHAT,,,,,

YEP AMY AND ASHLYNN CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE!!!!

the pictures are a bit backwards BUT,, she got her first haircut,,, and remember HENRY yeah she loves him... look how much bigger she is now next to him.

We went and Amy got a tree and I got Ashlynn a MELMO stocking,,, it was fun having them here,,

OK I worked a double yesterday and today I had Mrs B. she is doing well,, I was given tomorrow off,, so I wil spend most my day in bed then go and maybe get my hair done,,, I think that is all I want to say here so hope you are all doing well and also I AM LOVEING THE COLD RAINY WEATHER!!!!








OH Ashlynn's tounge sticking out ois funny because MY GRANDMOTHER ALWAYS DID THAT WHEN SHE WAS DOING SOMETHING,,,,

JUST A COUPLE REAL QUICK UPDATES,,,,

SAW AMY AND ASHLYNN THAT WS REALLY NICE,,, FAWN PASSED OUT AND HIT THE GROUND PRETTY HARD THEY TOOK HER TO THE HOSP IN THE EMT AFTER ALL KINDS FO TESSTS SHE IS OK THEY GAVE HER PAIN MEDS,, AMY TURNED 30 AND SNADY WILL BE 18 FRIDAY,,,, WORK HAS BEEN HARD AND I AM TIRED OFF TO BED.... NIGHT ALL.







LIFE GOES ON,,,,

GO LISTEN TO THIS,,,,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL6nvtRyIh4

THE DAY AFTER

THANKSGIVING,, I DID PETTY GOOD for the most part yesterday,, it was a bit bittersweet but I made it through it. I took my Christmas dishes and served the extended family on them. it was nice,,After I got home Isi took me out to dinner and Chinese.. that was nice.. Then when Fawn got back home, I heard all about the good tiem Fawn had at her dads truly I was glad they all got together,, then I got a little upset and saw this picture on Fawns phone... I got a little upset cause I hardley knew who it was and THEN.....


YA GOTTA LOVE THE BIG MAN WHO IS HOLDING YOU IN YOUR KITCHEN CAUSE HE KNOWS YOU ARE UPSET ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN AND LIFE,, THEN HE BREAKS OUT IN THE SONG FROM DUMBO WHERE DUMBO'S MOMMY IS ROCKING HIM IN HER TRUNK,, NOW THAT IS SILLY LOVE!! SANG THE WHOLE DAMN THING!


For the msot part I had an ok day,, HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT day,,,

WELL I WENT,,,

she had left and gone to her fathers house,, YES AGAIN. So I left the birthday card and little monkey for her and Elmo for Ashlynn.YES I cryed all the way home,,but how coudl she have known,, but would that have changed anything? I later got a text thanking me for the money in the card. She needs it as she is being taken to court over the baby(joint custody). I offered to help her but was turned down... OH WELL... I DID MY PART. I have chosen to take myself out of the mix for the holidays and will be working. I dd not want to put my girls in the middle AGAIN. I will be ok I like my job they are my extended family. I am not sure if I will put up any Christmas stuff this year.. maybe just a small tree, NOT the KIDS tree decorations though. I might just keep them packed away till I die then they can split them between themselves. I have a shit load of Christmas dishes too,,, they will stay packed too. My next project on my hosue is my laundry room and kitchen. I will make a bigger window cill for the cats and find a nice big throw rug and then get a little tall table and chairs. I will slowly replace the counter tops and the cupboard doors. Then the last piece I will need will be teh garage door and my front screen. When I am done I figure my house will be worth double what I paid for it.

I am off to work these next 4 days then I have the weekend off. Not sure what I will do BUT plan to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT! HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING,,,

I have ordered a new plate for my car,, I at this time am having to use the OLD ONE form the jeep,, (not good for me last thing of THERE) it is cool I will show ya when I get it.


I am off

WOW ANOTHER WEEK PAST,,,,

Well I ended up with a sines infection lat Friday and have not felt very good untill this morning.... I am off to work ANOTHER weekend,, I will get NEXT week end off though. Life goes on, it is pretty good. I had the back fence knocked down and a block wall put up,, I then had teh side of my carport blocked in too,, and for an added bonus I got a planter in the front of my hosue,, IT LOOKS SO NICE. I will put up pictures BUT they do not have the gates in them yet.

I got Amy's address adn plan to pop in on her tomorrow, her and Mandy's birthdays are Monday. We will see if she slams the door in my face. I will go baring gifts MAYBE THAT WILL HELP ME GET IN THE DOOR. I have not seen Ashlynn since her birthday and even then I did not get to touch her. I have seen pictures of her on Amy's facebook adn Dwan has a few on her hone I had no clue what the poor kid looked like. I understand Amy is having a hard time with everythign that has been happening these last few months,, Mike and I split and then her becomign a single mommy too. She is MORE BULLHEADED THEN I AM if you can believe that one,, and has an ODD way of seeing things. I know for a face now that the girls were told that the divorce was MY IDEA,, so not true. BUT what ever at some point we all have to get a grip.. someone has to step over the pile of shit and make the first move. I know she knows about Isi and is not happy as I am sure adds to her hate for me. She does not understand just like I DO NOT... I did not SEEK OUT TO end up with a man at ALL. I also believe that someone else had His hand in all of this. The dinamics of all this can not be explaned so I will NOT TRY. I am going with the flow of life and enjoying what has been given to me. I CAN not choose my children over this man BECAUSE they would never choose ME over anything either. it is the way it is. I understand that. Most of my children see I am happy and if not except the HOW or WHY they except the HAPPINESS, and believe it is MY LIFE. I am a grown woman and have NO regrets for anything.

OK SO close to time to leave so I will post pictures of my yard,, hope all is well who still come by,, have a great weekend.

TODAY IS THE DAY,,,,,,A YEAR AGO

THAT MY LIFE WAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN ,,,, It should not have been such a shock,,,, I should have know something was up,,, thinking back now I KNOW that it was just a matter of time.. We had for what seems like NOW, all those 32 years to put "THINGS" into our lives to make it "RIGHT",,, to make it work. NOTHING REALLY WORKED..WHY? I no longer ask that question I only say IT IS WHAT IT IS,, IT WAS WHAT IT WAS.... we seemed to struggle all the years trying to GET/HAVE THAT "THING" I now see it was never really there. it JUST WAS NOT. so on this day 1 year ago, I heard these words,,,, "I have come out of denial,,, it has never been an option for us BUT I think if we got a divorce then we could be happy." I remember replying,,,"I am not sure about happy BUT I am tired of being miserable." The striving to GET THAT THING was wearing us both out I think.. I can NOT speak for him only for me... NOW looking back I NEVER REALLY FELT that OH MY GOD I AM IN LOVE did I even know what love was? I was young,WE were young. with alot of baggage. I wanted that fairytale life of LOVE,, that all girls dream of,,, I did not know where it came from,, or how to really get it.. so I KEPT trying to be that BETTER PERSON and never could, kept trying to PUT things into it yet never could get THAT of what I felt I wanted/needed. I remember watching movies thinking THERE HAS TO BE SOMEKIND OF REAL IN THEM,,,, THAT IS WHAT I WANT,,,, the desire,,the love,,the passion,,the want,,that over the top feeling of LOVE,,, It seems for me that we only lived as "friends" trying to MAKE it work,, trying to make it LOOK LIKE IT WAS RIGHT,,, we had the same goal of loving our girls our love for them was NEVER TRYING OR FAKE OR WORK! THEY are what kept us together I believe,,,, We would do alot of hit and miss on closeness,, at times we would seem as one then many miles apart. I believe that we because GOOD FRIENDS,,,, that is not enough to keep two people together,,, I believe we BOTH saw in our hearts something that just was not there.. To get that we could NOT find IT what ever that might have been, being together. I believe we both NEEDED each other to a point where we were afraid to go off on our own,, BOTH insecure with ourselves... AND AFRAID OF WHAT THE WORLD AROUND US WOULD THINK. We both I feel stuck it out and TRYED for as long as we could without it totally vanishing us as beings. I knew many times I wanted differently... but was too afraid to say so.. I believe he also felt the same... SO FOR WHAT EVER REASON He stepped up and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.... I still have NOT sat and asked him why,,,how,,,or what made him say those words. SOMEDAY maybe I will. Not today. I am here today to only give my side. I felt SCARED TO DEATH,, I had NEVER lived on my own,, was only working a mere 8 days for that month,, I would need a full time job,, I would NOT have that person behind my back to pick up where I FUCKED UP,,it was going to really MATTER WHAT I DID in my life,,, I would have no one to bounce stupid shit in my head off to,, I would be that one thing I ALWAYS FEARED,,,ALONE ALL ALONE,,, it was fish or cut bait for me,, shit or get off the pot,,suck it up and deal,,,stand on your own two feet,,,sink or swim... it was all that and more... HOW WOULD I DO IT? HOW HARD WOULD I FALL ON MY FACE? HOW BIG OF A FAILURE WOULD THE WORLD SEE ME AS,, WHAT ABOUT MY GIRLS? IT WAS TIME TO LIVE THE THINGS I HAD TOLD BUT NEVER TAUGHT THEM ALL,,, INDEPENDANCE,,,NEVER COUNT ON A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF YOU,,, STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET...BE ALL YOU CAN BE IN THIS WORLD AND TAKE IT BY STORM! ALL of the things I felt I NEVER was able to do myself.... And they ARE ALL OF MY GIRLS are strong women,,, I am very proud of them all,, I was scared to death I doubted myself at every turn.. I could NOT just sit and crash and burn,,, it was time to WALK THE WALK,, TALK THE TALK,,, BE WHO I ALWAYS TOLD THEM TO BE,,,, I have also always been the type of person if you back me into a corner I am coming out fighting,, I will NOT go down with the ship! Throw me in a pile of shit I WILL FIND THE ROSE! I DID have that in me. He told me " I know you will be fine,, you can take care of yourself,, I know you are strong" BUT I DID NOT KNOW THAT FOR MYSELF.

So for 4 months after that,, we just went on with our lives,, started paperwork,, figured out what was the best way out of the mess we had made,, we seemed to get along and we talked way more and were ADULTS in the same house,, I no longer felt I was one of the kids. it was odd to say the least.. we did not even understand it BUT the word "EXPECTATIONS" came up there no longer were any for either of us.. It was like we could relax. It felt like the PRESSURE of what THE WORLD EXPECTED FROM US WAS GONE,, what each of us had for the other was no longer there,,,, the tension was almost gone. It seemed that we could BOTH relax. I, THANK GOD was able to buy my house outright,, my biggest fear was to end up homeless due to not being able to pay rent or a mortgage plus bills if I got sick. So in March I moved into my house ALL ALONE TOTALY ALONE my biggest fear had come to sit beside me,,, YEP I WAS ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD! My girls did NOT come to my house Sandy found excuses why she needed to stay at her fathers,,, I tried to make my house what I thought everyone else would like,, NOBODY CAME,, I was working afternoons so life was keeping me busy for the most part. When I had a day off I would beg my girls to come over,,, they did not,, I would spend my days off in bed,, crying,, scared,, ALONE. I HATE ALONE!

TIME changes people,, time changes "things". Although Amy will still not talk to me, and she has not been to my house,, the others come around,SOME, Fawn now lives here with me,, Amanda is in collage and working, still living at her dad's.. Sandy is a Sr. in high school and works,,, It saddens me to see how Sandy has pretty much turned inside herself,, she does not come here still. And seems to not have a whole lot to do with her father either,, THAT HURTS ME,, I can NOT drag her here to be in my life I can only keep trying to pick at her to stay in hers. I do not agree with some things that happen at his house as far as she goes,, BUT I also know I can not control any of it either.

The divorce was final in April,,, I at one point when seeing him asked him "well are you happy?" he said "I hear from my support groups, it will take time"

TODAY he does NOT look very happy,, BUT I have nothing to do with that... it is HIS LIFE,, I hope he can find what he was looking for in the end. I do not wish him any harm,, I do not hate him,, YET I do not have any emotions towards him other then he is the father of my children.

TODAY,, I am a pretty happy person.. I like being ALONE at times.. it is nice to have someone around to talk to,, I call all the shots in my own home,,, I do not have to answer to anyone as to where when why I do ANYTHING. AND TODAY although I will not go into much of it,, I have found that there is WAY MORE to ME then I ever thought could be. I AM AN ADULT,,, living my life for ME. Although I planned to join the MAN HATTERS CLUB. I changed my mind... I fought as hard as anyone could I think,,, 6 months hard! turning down all advances,,, fighting all those feelings. YET taking inventory of a person and telling myself YES those are the qualities I have desired,, YES ONLY IF,,,, ONE DAY I will find SOMEONE LIKE that person,,,, he makes me laugh,,he is companionate,,he is crazy,,he is sweet,, he is beautiful,,he is attractive to me,,he is strong,,he has my back at the drop of a hat,,he finds in me things i never knew were there,,he shares his day with me,,he talks to me,,he takes me places,,he tells me I am beautiful,,he holds me tight,,YET he does NOT have the need to overtake who I am or change who I am,, he respects me for the person I am, he makes me feel like I am a woman who has a clue about life,,He makes me FEEL special,feel LOVED,feel important to him. He has repaired my broken heart,, I KNOW NOW that those movies DO HAVE SOME REAL LIFE IN THEM..I can FEEL those feelings I use to dream of that for so long I thought were NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFETIME... IS THIS FOR FOREVER?,, COULD IT BE FOREVER?,,,,I DO NOT STRIVE FOR FOREVER, I AM NOT SURE THERE IS A FOREVER, I LIVE FOR TODAY,,RIGHT NOW,,,I NO LONGER WORRY ABOUT THE WORLD AND WHAT THEY MIGHT THINK,,,I NO LONGER WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW because tomorrow could change my world again ,, I SURVIVED IT ONCE AND COULD AGAIN.... FOR TODAY I AM ENJOYING WHAT I TRULY BELIEVE, GOD HAS PUT IN MY LIFE,, I will live it to the fullest EVERYDAY.

EAT MY WORDS AND BACK TRACK

I said all along this fall if I get sick I am not goign to work,, WELL I AM SICK AND I AM OFF TO WORK. there is not enough peopel to fill the floors,, I love the peopel adn the guy I work with and will not bail on him...

MOM had a set back she ate food and got sick so they gave her meds and seh had a reaction to them,, 3 different ones so she has been moved to the heart floor,,,, I can not go up AND they will not tell me anything!!! THAT SUCKS ASS!

I seem to be the only one who knows how to clean the cat shit box so they shit on teh floor YES MY NEW CARPET,,, will kids ever grow the hell up?

I gave teh guy part of the money to start my block wall around my back wall,, and the blockign in the carport yesterday,, it shoudl be done Monday he said.. ISI had to work 17&1/2 hours yesterday to get a couple appartments ready for move in's so I am going through withdrawls a bit.... he always calms me and lets me knwo it will all be ok.... I KNOW IT WILL BE on my own it is just nice to have someone say I GOT YOUR BACK RELAX!


SO OFF TO WORK,,, and pray I make it through it,, all Isi would say was babe you need to stay home and get better,,, yeah I KNOW THAT but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. SO hope you have a great weekend,,, I will be glad when the weekend is over!

WE WENT WE SAW WE GOT LOST MANY TIME WE RETURNED.....

WE HAD A BLAST,,,, wanta see more pictures go to my face book or my myspace

Back to normal life we really missed Amy... sure wish she had gone,, or would at least talk,,,


Mom is in the hosp again, went up there with her last night sat all night so now I am home gunna get a nap and go back! Kidneys shutting down and gal stones,,, will keep ya updated.....

ok off to get some rest, getting an estamate on my wall and car port closing in,, LIFE IS GREAT! work is good,,,, It will be a year soon that my life took a TOTAL TURN AROUND,, I think I am doing pretty DAMN GOOD THANK YOU!